Opinion of Author
Late last week we received news that the Labour Youth Conference was this weekend and were joking about what we would do if Aaron Porter turned up. Then we were looking out the window this morning, still in our jammies and sleeping bags and saw someone: red jumper, twatty glasses and air of superiority. Yes, it was Aaron Porter. We shouted his name and he turned to give us a wave and a smile – until he realised what we were shouting down to him – “Aaron Porter we know you, you’re a fucking Tory too.”
We then began to plan for what direct action to take against him. Once the plan was made we set off for the venue, the Boyd Orr building on University Avenue. We went past a token effort by one University security guard who was rather worried by the sight of a group of students in possession of a riot helmet. Can’t think why. We were then confronted by some Labour party bureaucrats who were some of the most patronising people I have ever come across. They tried to coerce us into moving to one side because then people could see us but we wouldn’t get in the way of the nice young imperialists. Who’d have thought the Labour Party wouldn’t understand the concept of direct action?
We were standing around outside for quite a long time. For a party with so many layers of bureaucracy it might be expected to run on time, but no. We were just sitting outside, chatting away.
Our moles inside the conference tell us that Porter came out of his seat for a hushed exchange with security and conference stewards. He was then seen to literally sink to a crouch, with his head in his hands.
Waiting outside though, we knew none of this. Then, taking us completely by surprise, our he came. We were a wee bit unprepared as we didn’t think he’d be fed to the lions so easily. He was literally alone – unaccompanied. It’s clear now that the conference organisers decided to sacrifice Aaron Porter, in order to protect the rest of the delegates from having to see us (and perhaps realise that just because they’re in the opposition now doesn’t mean they’re remotely radical or revolutionary).
We linked arms and surrounded Aaron, who was quite distressed by this. Clearly he was unused to the invasion of personal space that comes with the kettle tactic. He tried to whack someone’s camera out of their hand and succeeded in breaking the strap and sending the batteries flying to the ground. We find Porter’s actions despicable and regret that our peaceful protest was highjacked by one violent anarchist. Porter has repeatedly eroded the impact of thousands of students taking militant action and the Free Hetherington thoroughly condemn him.
Eventually, Porter ducked down and shimmied between our legs, escaping our kettle and sprinting away. We gave chase but eventually lost him as we collapsed with laughter at seeing him try to run away from us on our own turf. He went the wrong way up dead end alley and tried to scramble over walls, before realising that just plain running was going to be his best chance of escape.
Alone, on a strange university campus in a strange city, and on the run from an angry mob of students, Porter kept his head down. After we had dispersed, university security went to try and find the poor boy – and were seen wandering around the spot he was last seen up to two hours later.
Eventually, he resurfaced, and we received word from the Labour conference that he was back inside – visibly shaken.
Porter, here’s a handy hint: if you don’t to be chased out of every city you visit, try not being such a treacherous scab.